Who Am I?

(Most names have been changed.)

When I was a freshman in college, I lived in an apartment dorm with five other girls to whom I was a stranger. (That's me on the bottom left in the picture.) For the first few months, I didn't spend a lot of time in the apartment, especially on weekends, since my parents lived only an hour away. I'd go home. I was often gone on weeknights too, spending time with my older sister and her friends who lived off campus. 

One afternoon, I returned to the dorm earlier than usual. I was just about to enter my room, when I heard my roommate who shared a room with me, Margo, say my name. (She's the second one from the right on top.) Our room was right next to the kitchen. The kitchen's door was cracked open, so it was easy to hear what she was saying. I stood there for a moment to listen. Clearly, she was in there with Mary and Carrie. (The girls on either side of Margo in the picture.)

"What about Debi?" Margo said.

"She's nice, I guess," said Mary. "But she doesn't have any personality."

"Well, obviously she has a personality, but she doesn't have any character," said Margo. 

Carrie was silent, but I was sure she was there too.

Mary and Margo were super close friends. They'd roomed together the previous year, but now Mary's sister Carrie moved in, the sisters shared a room. I roomed with Margo. Kate and Leanne slept in the third bedroom. (The other girl in front and the one on the top far left.) Clearly, Mary, Margo, and Carrie were discussing us freshmen: me, Kate, and Leanne. 

They kept talking, but I quietly went in my room. I was devastated. There's nothing like hearing what people really think of you when they don't know you're listening. I closed the door, lay down on my bed, and cried.

I cried not just because they were talking rudely about me, but also because they were right. I didn't have a lot of personality or character. They didn't know me, but I also didn't know myself. I'd been living under the shadow of my older sister and in the grips of opinionated parents. I was finally on my own. I could now make my own choices without worrying about following in footsteps or being controlled by parents, but I was formless. I was developing that personality and character the roommates were saying I lacked.

I didn't say anything to Margo or anyone else about what I overheard. Instead, I was determined to become someone. I was going to show them my character and personality. 

After that, I spent more time at the apartment. I spent a lot of time hiking in the hills above the university, thinking and writing about who I wanted to be, and figuring out what I wanted to do. I spent less time with my sister and her friends. The persona I developed became outdoorsy, artistic, poetic, and a little nerdy. I became me. 

By the next semester, I felt more secure in who I was. At least Margo got to know me. Mary left school to take a break. Carrie then had her own room. Kate and Leanne continued to share a room. So did Margo and I. With Mary gone, Margo and I spent hours talking late into the night. We got to know each other. We became real friends.

Sadly, a couple of months later, Margo was killed. She'd gone to a wedding in California. The bride's brother was giving her a ride back to school when he fell asleep at the wheel. They were a mere hour and a half from campus. The car rolled. Margo wasn't wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the car. They said she died instantly.

As a result, Kate, Leanne, Carrie, and I bonded over the tragedy. Even though I was probably her closest roommate since she slept in the bed next to mine, I had to be the stable one when Margo died. Kate was hysterical. Carrie seemed lost, especially with her sister gone. I don't remember Leanne's reaction. She spent a lot of time away from the apartment too. The roommates probably looked to me because they knew I was closest to Margo. Somehow, I'd become the peaceful, strong person.

I'm thankful I became friends with Margo. I'm glad the roommates had time to get to know me before Margo died. I'm especially thankful I had extra motivation to get to know myself.