The Value of Stress

The other day, I saw a car-crash-lawyer billboard advertising, "There's no substitute for experience." It's true, experience is powerfully informative. But what if you haven't let yourself experience some things because of fear of failure, pain, or stress?

I recently read a book called The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good for You and How to Get Good At It by Kelly McGonigal. I also watched McGonigal’s TED talk called, "How to Make Stress Your Friend," where she mentions some of the biological benefits of stress. She helped me see that stress isn’t all bad.

In her book, McGonigal says, "One of the benefits of embracing stress is that you find the strength to pursue goals and endure experiences that are difficult but meaningful."

She says the cost of avoiding stress can include:

"1. Missed opportunities...because you thought they were (or would be) too stressful.

2. Avoidant coping. [Some coping strategies are self-destructive.]

3. Limiting your future: Is there anything you would like to do, experience, accept, or change, if only you were not afraid of the stress it might bring into your life?"

I've definitely limited some of my growth and opportunities because of wanting to avoid stress. I've overprotected myself.

I love the idea of re-framing stressful experiences as potentially beneficial or meaningful. McGonigal says when people find meaning during difficulties they have fewer negative physical and mental side effects. The way we think about a stressful experience will greatly impact whether or not we benefit from it or intensify the hurt and consequences.

McGonigal's book introduces alternatives to a natural "fight or flight" response to stress. One alternative is the "challenge response" which "increases self-confidence, motivates action, and helps you learn from experience."

This is the "growth mindset" that another author, Carol Dweck, writes about in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck suggests that successful people don’t give up, they keep learning, and they are willing to fail and learn from their mistakes. They don’t necessarily have natural talent or extraordinary intelligence. They don’t have a “fixed mindset” which tells them they can’t change. Studies show that intelligence and talents can grow through effort.

In her book, McGonigal continues with the "tend-and-befriend" way of responding to stress. She says, "A tend-and-befriend response increases courage, motivates care giving, and strengthens your social relationships." In her book and in the TED talk, she mentions the hormone oxytocin. It is released during stressful experiences to encourage us to be more social. We can connect with other people and potentially receive support during times of difficulty.

I have a history of withdrawing when things get too complicated, painful, or otherwise difficult. I realize this type of response has often isolated me and possibly increased my suffering. I want to have a more productive, active response to adversity. I want to turn outward rather than inward. I want to be able to ask for help and give help during times of distress. I don't want to miss any more opportunities or experiences.

To change will require effort and self-discipline-- both things that may increase stress.

I recently listened to a podcast from Brooke Castillo that reminded me of the benefits of the effort self-discipline requires. The podcast is "The Life Coach School Podcast Episode #458" with Monica Levi on the topic of self-discipline. To summarize and paraphrase what I learned from the podcast:

"Self-discipline is a love for your present and future self. It's a decision. It's being willing to obey yourself. It's building your identity. Your actions are a vote for the person you want to become. Self-discipline builds a relationship of trust with yourself. It bridges the gap between your goals and results. It is freedom."

The best kind of discipline happens with teaching and learning in a compassionate, not condemning way. It is loving. It is patient. That doesn't make it easy. It requires effort. It may not be painless or comfortable. 

Along with these claims about the benefits of stress, I do not want to minimize the terrible, painful, blinding suffering that many people experience.

I wondered if McGonigal would address the, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" cliché. She does. She says there was a study done that measured the benefits of stress. "People who had experienced a moderate level of adversity had the lowest risk of depression, the fewest physical health problems, and the greatest satisfaction with life. People at the extremes-- either the lowest or highest levels of adversity-- were more depressed, had more health problems, and were less satisfied with their lives."

After questioning whether or not there is a potential breaking point with stress, McGonigal quotes the researcher, Mark Seery, "There's a lot of room left, even if someone has experienced a lot of adversity, to rise above that and not be irreparably damaged. I don't have a clear answer for where it happens on average, but I feel confident that it is possible."

So there's hope, no matter the level of adversity.

Speaking of hope and adversity, Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8 says:

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

The Son of man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

The ultimate place to turn in times of adversity is toward the Savior, Jesus Christ. We can receive the comfort and strength we need to get through difficult times. We can pray to recognize the meaning and benefits we can receive from our troubles and stresses. He is the true light in the darkness.

Life can give us the experiences we need. Despite our inclinations, we may not want to avoid stress or call it all bad. Instead, we can learn to utilize adversity, recognize its benefits, find meaning, put forth effort, reach out to others, and stretch ourselves through self-discipline to potentially achieve more connection and growth in our lives.